Office Wars
by wildkurofang
Summary: Or The Instruments of the Apocalypse: Office Supplies. Wherein the Espada clash with said supplies and the Shinigami—coughIchigocough—get dragged into it. When doom is approaching people tend to go a little crazy. May get moved to M later on. Taking requests and this is pure Crack.
1. Paper Clips and Post It Notes

My first time voyaging into Bleach. Hope I serve it justice!

This is Crack, pure and utter crack. Anything goes here. Yaoi, Yuri, Het. Randomness with a plot in a nutshell. Kinda. About the plot at least.

Request any thing you want and I'll try to put it in. Don't worry nobody will be too terribly out of character.

Welcome to Office Wars. May the apocalypse begin.

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1-[Aizan Sousuke]

I walked through the white halls of Las Noches in the morning, inspecting the enormous palace that lay in the ever-shifting, white sands of Hueco Mundo and the inhabitants that dwelled in it.

And I was not pleased with what I found. So far I had to remove several Arrancars from my employ due to a series of "accidents". Luckily, though, they were only insignificant Números. Cannon fodder, so to speak. That did _not _mean that they weren't still useful. But really, if I had to I would just make more with the Hougyoku.

It was still annoying though. Especially when the whole reason they were permanently removed was because of a fight over paper clips. Paper clips.

Small, metal, office-oriented supplies used for holding papers together.

I had found four of my dear Arrancars flinging Bala's and Cero's at each other over smoldering piles of said metal clips. It was…very disturbing. Apparently they had stumbled upon them in a storage closet when the hallways had redirected them away from the training rooms.

One thing led to another and they were trying to kill each other over who could keep the "shiny instruments of possible doom."

I had every reason to disembowel them. Every reason.

While I walked on I decided to add several _more_ rules to my roster at the next Espada meeting. The last thing I needed was for my top warriors and their Fracciónes to start acting like a bunch of children. Grimmjow was bad enough, thank you very much.

I neared my throne room, ready to relax a bit and drink some tea, but while I moved towards my seat a splotch of color suddenly assaulted my vision. I could tell that it was set against the backrest of my throne.

When I finally stopped in front of it I could see that the off-white blob was in essence a sticky-note. It was stuck smack-dab in the middle of my throne.

Written in red ink, it stated,

"_Ohoyou gozaimasu, I see that the assassins have failed."_

Lettered in neat handwriting, on said post-it note, I couldn't tell who had penned it. But whoever did was going to be visited by Ulquiorra later.

Say, in the morning?

[Omake for next Chapter: Coyote Starrk]

[Lilynette: Starrk's sole Fracción]

"STTAARRRRKK! Get your lazy bum out of bed! Or else I'll I'm gonna-" I glanced around shocked, coming to a stop when I spied the clothes strewn around the floor.

Both mine and Starrk's clothes were tossed haphazardly across the floor. All of are clean and dirty uniforms, just tossed everywhere. Feathers also lay on the floor like someone had taken a bird from the living world and just plucked its plume out just to toss it into our room. There were also tiny drops of blood dripped everywhere.

I would have thought someone had been killed but then I tracked the trail of crimson body fluid over to the hunched form of my other half.

My left eye twitched in fury. How dare he?!

I stomped over planning to bash him over the head for making an entire pigsty of our quarters when I saw what he was doing. I stopped and then tried to stuff my fist into my mouth. This sight! It was just- It was too- No! This was- "Are you…sewing? ARE YOU FREAKIN' SEWING?!"

I could not stop the guffaw that fell from my lips while I rolled on the floor. I didn't care how dirty it was at the moment. Seeing the other side of my soul holding a thread and thimble trying to patch a pillow—horribly I might add—with scraps of our clothing was just a sight to behold!

"What-haaahaa-the hell?! Are you-bwahahaha! DOING?! Did someone-haaha kill your pillows Starrk?!"

He turned from his shoddy—and complete crap—sewing job to level me with a glare that could rival Aizen's reiatsu pressure. Stone cold un-amused.

"Man, that bad?"

He sighed and closed his eyes, a lazy pout coming to his face. "Yeah."

I blinked and rolled my eyes at his semi-lethargic answer. "Idiot. Maybe you'll actually sleep less now!" He moved to interrupt me. "I don't care! Clean this crap up right this minute!"

I swung around stomping my way back out of the room and only paused to ask with a wry grin, "Who?"

My partner sighed again, placing his head in his hands tiredly, dropping the green and white, patched pillow along with the thread, thimble and the stack of feathers he had been re-stuffing the pillows with. He then glanced back up meeting my uncovered fuchsia eye. "Grimmjow in his Resurrección form…and Gin. And his devil zanpakutou. It's evil I tell you."

I laughed again at his misery and joked back while I trounced out the door in a better mood then I came in with, "Maybe you should get the Sexta moron a scratching post? Gin…hmmm, I got nothin'. Bend over and kiss your pillows goodbye."

I left without looking back. I'm sure my giggling echoed all the way across the rest of Hueco Mundo.

It wasn't till I was half-way to the other side of it that I remembered what I exactly was going to tell him about. _Oh well, they'll find him soon enough anyways. Haha, as soon as he un-sticks himself that is…_

* * *

_Well, tell me what ya liked and didn't and send in those requests! I promise you I won't disappoint!  
_

_Don't be afraid to request anything! I'll take it all!  
_

_Tarry a while. Thou art so fair. ~ Wild-Tama  
_


	2. Duct Tape and Knives

Hello! Anyone out there? Yes? No? That's ok... Thanks for the fav and follows ppl! It makes us happy little writers to see such things as that! Now on to business!

Second chapter of Office Wars! And yes there is just a little bit of plot going on. In the background. Underground. Where Gin buries his victims...

O.o

Here you go! Nice and clean and wrapped up in a bow!

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2-[Primera Espada: Coyote Starrk]

I was napping. _Napping_.

Was nothing sacred anymore?

Was sleeping to be considered a way on how to find targets nowadays?

I didn't know, but what I did was that someone had duct-taped me to my beloved pillows whilst I slept.

That did not make me happy in the least. In the _least_.

My poor, outrageously soft, green pillows were now desecrated with the abominable silver, sticky tape. I didn't dare go back to sleep less I rip them. From this day forward I would hate duct-tape to hell and back. Even if it was pretty comfortable being wrapped up in my lush pillows. Really comfortable. Maybe I could-_No, I have to get un-taped._

Sighing, I gave up on any chance of actually getting to nap for the rest of the day. I struggled to stand and made my way out into the hall. _I need to find someone who can cut the tape without destroying my beautiful pillows…but who?_

I raked my brain while waddling down the hall, fast as possible. I did not want Lilynette or anyone else for that matter, catching me in this state. I would never be able to live down the humiliation.

At this moment in time I thanked the fact that the lesser Números couldn't stand my reiatsu and cleared the hallways beforehand. The only ones I had to worry about were the other Espada.

When I thought of that, the immediate picture of the Sexta's Desgarrón cutting through the tape that surrounded me nearly had me dancing in relief.

Then I stopped. I had to face Grimmjow in this situation. And the blue-haired Arrancar had a _very _big mouth. My shoulders slumped in defeat. Resigning myself to this fact, I began to trudge towards his room which was only a few hallways away.

While I did so I mused on the fact that out of all the Espada, he, like the Cuarta, Tercera, and Segunda were the only ones that could stand my reiatsu in full force once released in their normal unreleased forms. Those nearest to my own number like Harribel and Barragan were understandable, and Ulquiorra felt more powerful than his number suggested. We all knew he was hiding most of his reiatsu and that if he wanted to he could most probably eliminate most of the Espada within the time it could take them to release Resurrección. _At least the Quinta and down…though maybe not the Sexta. He would give a pretty good fight and even if he did go down he would most likely survive._

Besides this fact, while I trudged on almost to the hallway where his living quarters were, I mused that despite this that the Sexta could easily beat the Quinta any day of the week and most certainly could give Ulquiorra a run for his money before he went Resurrección. This train of thought let me surmise that he was gaining in power and quickly. He might even challenge Nnoitra soon if I knew anything about that cocky bastard.

While I was stuck in my thoughts I turned the last corner leading into the hallway that Grimmjow's room was located on and ran smack dab into someone.

Due to my full-body pillow shield, I remained standing while the other person was knocked off balance. _He _didn't hit the ground but I sure as hell wished a hole would have opened up underneath me and swallowed me whole. After all _he_ was one of the last people I ever wanted to let see me in such a humiliating state. _He_ was even worse than Grimmjow, Lilynette and Nnoitra put together.

"Oya, oya…is that a new look? Maybe Aizan-taichou's safety meetin' had more of an impact then he thought?"

I noticed how the statement was punctuated by a grin that threatened to crack his face. Sighing in exasperation for perhaps the third or fourth time this day I shrugged my shoulders as best as I could, given the circumstances. I then moved to get past him to escape into the Sexta's room.

"Maa, maa, leavin' already? Wouldn't ya like some help with that? My Shinsou comes in handy at times like this bein' a wakizashi and all." He held up his slim and short zanpakutou up for effect and gave a larger-than-life grin.

I glanced between him and Grimmjow's room and stood on the precipice of two evils. On one hand, Gin would tease me but likely never bring it up again accept for an instance or two. He would also eliminate the need to bring the blue-haired Espada into this and by default be the only one to see me like this. But, while his sword was small and sharp enough to slash the tape I didn't know if it could without causing damage to my pillows. Plus, I didn't particularly trust him with a sword near my vital regions. _Who would?_

With Grimmjow though, I risk exposing myself to both him and Gin's teasing and Grimmjow would bring it up whenever he could. But his Desgarrón was sharper and smaller then Gin's Shinsou and was more precise then the silver-haired shinigami's was making my pillow's safety assured. _Plus, he not yet powerful enough to kill me._

Finally deciding, I scowled and nodded in agreement towards the smaller man in front of me. "Fine, as long as you don't damage my pillows. Or kill me." _I think I'll risk a few scratches to Grimmjow's blabber mouth._

He wagged a pale index finger at me. "Now, now, so long as you don't move, yer precious pillows should be fine…maybe. And I promise not to chop anything _too _necessary off."

I didn't need a single second to reconsider my decision. _Or maybe not!_ I raised my arms up and backtracked, "Umm, on second thought I think Grimmjow would be able to help me. You must be busy and he's not doing anything so I'll just-"

"Nonsense, I'm not busy at all. In fact I was just lookin' for somethin' to do. Let me help ya out~" He stepped forward, getting closer while his grin spread even wider on his face to resemble a smirking snake. "Just stay still. Or I might end up disemboweling ya by accident."

My eyes widened in terror. "No, I mean surely you-"

He raised his zanpakutou like Szayel would a scalpel and edged closer. "Really, I insist. I'm just bein' a good samaritan."

I had learned a long time ago to not be anywhere near the Octava Espada when he held up sharp and pointy objects. The theory of staying alive and whole away from said objects wielded by psycho people, I believed, applied in this situation as well.

So feeling the immediate sense of Doom while he stalked closer still, I ran. Or sonído'ed as fast as possible past him.

He turned liked he was expecting such form me and pounced.

I gulped, ducking, dodging and rolling for my dear pillow's—and my own—life only to end up running straight into the Sexta's door with a "bang". The pillows taped to me absorbed the blow but the door did not. It crashed open and I tumbled into the room and right into the very azure-haired feline I was originally looking for.

"Ouch! What the Hell-"

We both toppled to the floor, my weight and pillows against his relatively smaller mass landing me on top. Neither one of us could do much more then stare at each other, me in frustration, and he, in confusion as to why the Primera—me— was in his room sitting on him.

Then Gin's sly voice rang out in glee, "Shoot'em Dead, Shinsou!"

[Omake for the next Chapter: Ulquiorra Cifer]

[Szayel Aporro Granz: Octava Espada]

I just happened to be walking from my lab when I came across a commotion near the training rooms.

The first sight to greet me was a crowd of snickering Arrancar. The second was of the severely injured Quinta that was somehow pinned to the wall about ten or so feet off the ground.

It was amusing to see him cussing out Harribel and Ulquiorra; the latter spinning a somewhat over-sized object around on his right index finger.

All metallic shine, it looked like a weapon of some kind. Only on further examination did I recognize it to be a staple gun. You know, one of those heavy duty, industrial one's that can staple through solid wood and if strong enough, metal?

Yes, the whole scene was quite amusing. The only thing that was funnier was a certain child-sized Arrancar running circles around the Cuarta, shouting nonsense to the sky.

I didn't have to think for but a few seconds to recognize that the child with the cracked, ram-like mask was Nelliel Tu, the former Tercera Espada.

Though why she was here was mystery, it was not at all confusing why everything in the immediate vicinity was trashed. Nnoitra hated the former Espada. Little wonder there. _He probably tried to kill her. Again._ I rolled my eyes and flipped a stray strand of rosette hair over my shoulder before continuing on with my cursory glance of the entire fiasco.

On further inspection of the scene, I noticed while I walked closer, that Nnoitra looked worse for wear and that Ulquiorra's uniform was splattered with black ink. Harribel, as well looked in need of a new change of clothes. The only one who seemed unaffected and dare I say unharmed, was the little monster Nel.

I surveyed the room itself for a full damage report that I just knew I was going to be stuck with reporting to Aizan and noted the extensive damage to the walls and floor where staples resided in the surfaces of said constructs. The training rooms themselves looked demolished beyond all repair and it probably didn't help that there were staples everywhere on the ground a sure way to risk getting a serious staph infection to all those unfortunate to step on them.

I sighed, shooing away the crowd of Arrancars while I came to a stop in front of the crucifixion of Nnoitra and assessed the situation. Obviously, now that I was here they would most likely have me take care of the brat and the idiotic Quinta while they went to take care of their wardrobe malfunctions courtesy of said brats' writing utensils that she was waving around.

_My, oh, my...where ever did she get those from?_ My curiosity was peaked due to the appearance of all the Living World supplies that seemed to have suddenly popped up out of nowhere.

But that all paled in comparison to the slight smirk that lay on Ulquiorra's features. That gave me pause where even the shiny and quite obviously expensive pens Nelliel was playing with hadn't. The Cuarta smirked—never. Smiled—well, never. Frowned—nope. And showed emotion—not even if Hell itself were to freeze over. Which, to tell you the truth, made it even more fascinating in my eyes. _What could make the very embodiment of Nihilism show emotion? Especially amusement?!_

I was so absorbed in my analyst that when the current Tercera addressed me I didn't even give so much as a twitch in her direction. Now, when she raised her zanpakutou to my jugular I wisely broke off my mental cataloguing of Ulquiorra's unusual behavior to ask, "Yes, Harribel?"

She responded, "If you please Szayel, patch up this moron and report to the meeting room afterwards. Aizan-sama has called a meeting." Then without further words she turned, sheathing her sword and gesturing to her Fracción to follow her.

I didn't argue. It was rare to see or hear the cold Tercera actually look or sound content to any degree. _Really, what sort of phenomenon could cause these sorts of actions?_

The like-wise, ink-splattered Cuarta came over and handed me the staple gun. He had schooled his features back into an emotionless mask, but I could see the tell-tail sign of a smile on his lips by the quirk he sported on his mouth. "Put this somewhere he-" The black-haired Espada gestured to Nnoitra. "Cannot find it. And confiscate the pens that she has in her possession from her as well." He only gestured between the raving Quinta and the hyper-active, green-wearing Nel, then left much like the Tercera had.

Leaving only little-old-me with a demolished room and two very big problems to deal with. _This...is not going to be pretty._

* * *

_So...hope you all liked that. I already have my next victim...and so if you would like to see a specific person do specific things...I need you, yes you! In the red shirt! To ask for it. Otherwise I'll just continue to crank these out till it gets boring. Or some saves I-  
_

_Well, This was brought to you by the Urahara Shouten—  
_

_Not really. The geta-boushi is just the main perpetrator that's all. After all, besides Aizan he really is the next big mastermind. And we love him don't we?  
_

_I'm babbling, till next time!  
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_Tarry a while. Thou art so fair. ~ Wild-Tama  
_


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